Wednesday, May 05, 2004



well. so that's that. if i've never believed that everything you do comes back to you threefold (a holdover from my wiccan days, i know, but it's always been true for me, so why not believe it now?), i certainly do now. life has funny little ways of reminding you that no matter what you do, you just *can't* be happy. happiness is nothing but fleeting moments of memory.

dani got into my contacts today. that means i have my glasses full time now. which sucks because my night vision in these things sucks! not to mention that the frames are bent all to hell and fall off if i bow my head. lol. so sad. well, i was waiting until the very last moment to get my eye exam done, i guess i have to do it now.

i have been having terrible nightmares and not so pleasant dreams lately. i mean, i've always dreamt, and most night i can remember what i dreamed about, but lately.. i don't know. the dreams are always about violence, and war, and stuff like that. i've even dreamed about phillip, which, if you know me personally, you know whom he is. for those that don't, he's an old boyfriend who killed himself. that one was particularly bad. i dreamed that he came back from wherever he is (more on my thoughts on suicide later), and didn't want to touch me because I was 'unclean'. Ha! IRL he was so 'unclean' it wasn't funny. he smoked weed, slept around with all kinds of girls, stole, drank, was physically abusive... and i loved him. i was so lily white next to him.. i think that's what attracted us to each other. my entire high school years were spent in chasing him around, going out (meaning boyfriend/girlfriend), breaking up, making up, breaking up, chasing hm around... lol.. it was a never ending cycle. when we'd break up, he'd go with some girl, and rub it in my face somehow, like visit me while driving the other girl's car. i nearly got my ass beat like.. three times fromt he same girl over him. sigh. young love. anyway.. by the time we'd graduated, I'd had enough of being treated like crap, and wouldn't take his calls. finally, one night, i did. he said he wanted me to come with him to chicago (where is dad lived). I said no. I wasn't going to just leave, without him having a job, place to live, nothing.. he couldn't take care of me. he said fine, he'd join the Marines. (we lived in Beaufort, SC, which is the town connect to Paris Island, the Marines boot camp facility). I told hin that was fine, go ahead, we'd talk again when he graduated and got settled somewhere.

he wrote me from bootcamp. tried to call. i refused his calls. i got a letter telling me he'd graduated, but couldn't finish reading it cause my parents were in the kitchen with me, watching me read it. they HATED him. which, now that i'm a parent, i can understand why. but then i didn't. anyway, i got halfway through the letter, with him asking me to come to graduation, and threw it away before i'd finished it. i didn't hear from him until a couple of weeks later, maybe a month, on my birthday. i got a call from his best friend's girlfriend, telling me that Phillip had killed himself. He had gotten stationed in San Diego, and hung himself in his barracks room. i went to his funeral. i saw his body. i sat with his mother, and finally met his father. his grandparents were there, and i kissed and hugged them too. then i broke down when his father finally pulled me aside and said that i was all phillip would talk about. anyway.. that was a tangent. i'm getting misty in my old age.

anyway.. so yeah, my dreams are getting weird.

so..my theory on suicide. i know a lot of people go by the bible, which if you're a christian, you're supposed to take as literal. which i do. but then there have to be exceptions. God loves us. he's our Father. He wants to protect us, and make sure we're happy. so if you think your life just sucks so bad, that you can't see any good whatsoever in it, it's just this black, crappy hole that stinks so bad that you hurt just waking up in the morning, that God forgives you for taking your life. being that all powerful being that He is, i'm sure even He can understand when we just can't go on anymore, and will take us into his arms to ease the pain. i fully believe that my God, who is loving, and just, would not condemn someone in that much pain, to eternity in pain. After Andy's suicide i had to believe that to cope with having found his body. and the more i think on it, the more i believe it.

so.. sigh. life sucks. i want to go home. i talked to my mom yesterday. it's funny. i keep thinking i sound like "i want my mommy!". I don't even know why i want to go home! what's there that's not here? my car? my stuff? sigh. i think it's the three kids that's killing me. i was thinking last night that i'll get a job, and then what? what am i supposed to do with brandon when school's out? or if he's sick. and it's just going to be the same crappy stuff like at CWF. if i could get the money together for school, i'd be ok, but i can't get the money for that this semester, so I have to wait for the semester after. sigh. which means i have to get about three hundred together for the semester. and then books. and then i don't even get paid until the month after, and they're going to take most of that back since i got paid when they shouldn't have paid me, and.. sigh.. i keep trying to go over it in my mind. this month is going to really suck. i have brandon's birthday party, which i have to buy a coupe of decorations, and i'm going to make the cake, but i still don't know what to get him. sigh... it's too much! lol

anyway, guess i'll head off to bed now. sigh. i feel so drained...



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