Friday, May 07, 2004

Have a Little Faith in Me 

::Listening to: Joe Cocker - Have a Little Faith In Me; Mandy Moore - Have a Little Faith In Me::

So. i know i'm depressed now. i love this song, but it makes me so sad sometimes. i really like the mandy moore version, but joe just has some kind of touch to it. i don't know...

so. tara comes home tonight. or this afternoon, really. i'm expecting her to walk in at any moment really. mike's got some kind of party today that he said is going to last all night so he won't be by today. good thing cause i've got a migraine from hell. probably from stress. i dreamt a little last night, but i can only remember bits and peices of it. i think my brain was trying to deal with the pressure from the headache.

i have so much stuff i need to write down, i mean, really personal stuff that i can't put here, but i don't feel like getting my journal from upstairs. i just have this need to tell someone about everything, and have no one to tell! lol. not that i don't trust anyone, but it's just so.. whacked out... that i don't want anyone to think i'm strange. do you ever feel so alllllll alone, but you're surrounded by people? alone in a crowd? kate, i know you're going to worry, but i have to say this, so don't. it doesn't really mean anything.

i'm just so... done. so... empty. you know that black cloud? the one that is always lurking *just* over the horizon, that threatens even the more perfect, the most wonderful bright day? it's settled all around me. i'm sure you'll understand that, if no one else. :) i'm just so lost in familiar territory. i sit in the living room, trying to read, watch tv, do something to occupy my time, and nothing breaks through. do you know what i'm saying? i don't even know what i'm saying. lol. i can't quite describe it. angry, sad, bitter, cynical, hopeless.. all wrapped into one.

i wish i had my bible here.

i wish i was home.

i wish i was *home*....

anyway. i better stop this journal entry before i go any further. i don't want anyone thinking that i might try to kill myself. if you know me, then you know i wouldn't do something like that to my family, and most definitely not to brandon. i complain about him a lot, and he's a handful, don't get me wrong, but he is my life. his father already abandoned him, all he needs is to lost his mom too. soooo... anyway.. alright. have at it.

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