Saturday, May 22, 2004

It's an ice cream social! 


So, Brandon tells me on friday that he doesn't want a normal birthday party, he wants an ice cream party. which is fine with me. all i have to do is buy some ice cream and toppings, and bannanas. it's still going to come out cheaper than buying a cake and ice cream too, so that's fine with me. mom got him a sno cone maker for his birthday, but i have no idea what don's sending him. we're doing his party on friday, and i still havent gotten the box. i wonder now if he sent it to the wrong house.. hmm... i better call him tomorrow.

tara has duty tomorrow, which kinda sucks since i was planning on getting to sleep in again, and next weekend she has duty on saturday, which means i have to get up then too, AND take the kids to their classes. i'm so tired of those damn classes.. sigh.. taylor doesn't even want to go most saturdays.

not much else is going on really. just normal stuff. mike got mad at me today because i left the boys at the park across the street the other day to take dani home to use the bathroom. i told tara that he can kiss my ass. it was for 5 minutes, there was another parent there, and i didn't feel like hearing them bitch that they had to come home for dani. whatever. i sooooo can't wait for him to be gone.

tara and i rented movies last night to watch with christy. she went home after the first one though.. we invited one of tara's 'friends' over too, and he stayed until 1. we watched Legally Blonde 2, Timeline, and Scarey Movie 3. they were ok. today i watched The Diary of Ellen Rimbauer (the prequel to Rose Red), and 28 Days Later. The Rose Red prequel was good, but i think you have to enjoy that kind of movie. 28 Days was really good, if you like zombie movies.. which i don't, but it was still good.

i'm still reading the Sun Sword. like i said earlier, it's a hard book to get through, but it's still good. i'm actually not looking forward to the end. i'll have to reread the other 5 books again, but they're boxed up somewhere. lol. speaking of.. mom said the hot water heater went out and flooded the garage.. i sure hope none of my books were ruined.. =/




Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Take one look back at the past.... and we're out! 


::Listening to: Linkin Park - Numb::

So. Tuesday. Blech...

Mom's not moving out here. just like always.. she says ok to whatever and then changes her mind again. lol. it doesn't matter. i just want to go home. mike got pissed too that mom was coming out here, but he got over it when i told him she wasn't anymore.

lol.. i can't remember what i was going to write now. hmm..

so. i read the next to last book in the left behind series. i really can't wait for it to be over. at the end of this book, titled Armeggedon, they are waiting for Jesus to appear. a couple of the old character die, which would be fitting, although it will be interesting to see how the authors depict Jesus' return in Glorius Appearing.

i also finished Boy's Life, by Robert McCammon. Very interesting book. well, written.

there are a couple more that i finished, but they weren't all that great. right now i'm on the final book in the Sun Sword series: The Sun Sword. i'm a little disappointed. i thought the book would have more about Jewel and Avandar, but i guess this book is going to focus on Valedan and Kiriel. *shrug* i'm still plowing through it though. it's taking me considerable more time to get through than most fluff that i read, which is one reason why i enjoy this series. it's rich in description, and the cultures Michelle West has created are so vibrant and lifelike. :) just wish there would be more about the whole Jewel/Avandar thing.

we went to the beach for mother's day. it was nice, but mike was bitchy and yelled at me for no reason. i wanted to rip his head off, but i just walked away and played with the kids in the water. then tara and i went to the movies. we were going to watch van helsing, but decided to see mean girls. which was ok. it's more of a teenie bopper moral of the story film, but it had it's funny parts too.. and i like lindsay lohan too ;)

i've had headaches for the past three days. don't know why, probably stress. i hate being stressed out. but then, i don't many who do.

sigh.. i miss Adrian. =/ i feel like i'm floundering, flopping around on the pavement. lol.. what a picture. anyway.. sigh..

mom and i were just talking about tara. about how selfish she is. i see it more and more everyday. honestly, i don't like watching the kids, but things are so much nicer when she's not here. i don't have to worry about her treating brandon like crap, like he instigates everything, and her kids are perfect. last night i was in a chat room, and mike and tara were sitting on the couch, and dani came down with something all in her hair. come to find out that she get into taylor's hair gel (yeah, i know.. hair gel at 6.. jeez). i felt like it was my fault cause i was on the computer but then i thought, both her god damned parents are on the couch, why is it my fault? sigh.. i hate it here. i feel like i am constanly on display, with people picking apart everything i do all day long.

aren't i cheery today? :D


Saturday, May 08, 2004

And Certainly No Love Below! 


lol. ok. this household is defintely an MTV house. we watch all the crap.. real world, wildboys, viva la bam... music videos when no show is on. anyway.. that title is from the new outkast video, Roses. you can check it out here :Launchcast . scroll down a little bit. anyway. it's hilarious.

so. tara didn't get home until 6 this morning. sheesh. so i ended up watching the kids again this morning. sigh. talked to mom on the phone, and she was crying. she we're moving her out here too. she's going to sell the house, have her stuff shipped here and be here within two months. and kim called me this morning. her brother wants to buy my car! so that's one more thing done. sigh.

i've been pigging out so much lately. so yesterday i said no more snacking, and no more soda. i feel a little better too. so now with the walking every day (except saturday and sunday), and now that i'm eating a little better, i should be able to drop the weight that i want with no problems. it's stupid though. just cause people see you as fat, you're not good enough to waste some time on. i hate that. not that i'm looking or anything, but still. they don't know that.

anyway. alright. i'm going to read.. or write in my paper journal. i haven't written in that for like.. over a month! sigh..

oh. my next entry i'll tell all about the ten books i've read in the last two weeks! lol. ok.. more like 4 but still...




When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark, baby
Have a little faith in me

When the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try, baby
Have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so *easily*
Come here darlin'
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

When your back's against the wall
Just turn around, you will see
I will catch ya, I will catch your fall
Just have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

Well, I've been loving you for such a long, long time baby
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend *for you and me*
Cause for us there is no end
All you gotta do is have a little faith in me
I said I will hold you up, I will hold you up
Your strength gives me enough
So have a little faith in me
Hey baby, oh, baby
All ya gotta do is have a little faith in me
All ya gotta do is have a little faith in me
A little faith in me

Friday, May 07, 2004

Have a Little Faith in Me 


::Listening to: Joe Cocker - Have a Little Faith In Me; Mandy Moore - Have a Little Faith In Me::

So. i know i'm depressed now. i love this song, but it makes me so sad sometimes. i really like the mandy moore version, but joe just has some kind of touch to it. i don't know...

so. tara comes home tonight. or this afternoon, really. i'm expecting her to walk in at any moment really. mike's got some kind of party today that he said is going to last all night so he won't be by today. good thing cause i've got a migraine from hell. probably from stress. i dreamt a little last night, but i can only remember bits and peices of it. i think my brain was trying to deal with the pressure from the headache.

i have so much stuff i need to write down, i mean, really personal stuff that i can't put here, but i don't feel like getting my journal from upstairs. i just have this need to tell someone about everything, and have no one to tell! lol. not that i don't trust anyone, but it's just so.. whacked out... that i don't want anyone to think i'm strange. do you ever feel so alllllll alone, but you're surrounded by people? alone in a crowd? kate, i know you're going to worry, but i have to say this, so don't. it doesn't really mean anything.

i'm just so... done. so... empty. you know that black cloud? the one that is always lurking *just* over the horizon, that threatens even the more perfect, the most wonderful bright day? it's settled all around me. i'm sure you'll understand that, if no one else. :) i'm just so lost in familiar territory. i sit in the living room, trying to read, watch tv, do something to occupy my time, and nothing breaks through. do you know what i'm saying? i don't even know what i'm saying. lol. i can't quite describe it. angry, sad, bitter, cynical, hopeless.. all wrapped into one.

i wish i had my bible here.

i wish i was home.

i wish i was *home*....


anyway. i better stop this journal entry before i go any further. i don't want anyone thinking that i might try to kill myself. if you know me, then you know i wouldn't do something like that to my family, and most definitely not to brandon. i complain about him a lot, and he's a handful, don't get me wrong, but he is my life. his father already abandoned him, all he needs is to lost his mom too. soooo... anyway.. alright. have at it.



Wednesday, May 05, 2004



well. so that's that. if i've never believed that everything you do comes back to you threefold (a holdover from my wiccan days, i know, but it's always been true for me, so why not believe it now?), i certainly do now. life has funny little ways of reminding you that no matter what you do, you just *can't* be happy. happiness is nothing but fleeting moments of memory.

dani got into my contacts today. that means i have my glasses full time now. which sucks because my night vision in these things sucks! not to mention that the frames are bent all to hell and fall off if i bow my head. lol. so sad. well, i was waiting until the very last moment to get my eye exam done, i guess i have to do it now.

i have been having terrible nightmares and not so pleasant dreams lately. i mean, i've always dreamt, and most night i can remember what i dreamed about, but lately.. i don't know. the dreams are always about violence, and war, and stuff like that. i've even dreamed about phillip, which, if you know me personally, you know whom he is. for those that don't, he's an old boyfriend who killed himself. that one was particularly bad. i dreamed that he came back from wherever he is (more on my thoughts on suicide later), and didn't want to touch me because I was 'unclean'. Ha! IRL he was so 'unclean' it wasn't funny. he smoked weed, slept around with all kinds of girls, stole, drank, was physically abusive... and i loved him. i was so lily white next to him.. i think that's what attracted us to each other. my entire high school years were spent in chasing him around, going out (meaning boyfriend/girlfriend), breaking up, making up, breaking up, chasing hm around... lol.. it was a never ending cycle. when we'd break up, he'd go with some girl, and rub it in my face somehow, like visit me while driving the other girl's car. i nearly got my ass beat like.. three times fromt he same girl over him. sigh. young love. anyway.. by the time we'd graduated, I'd had enough of being treated like crap, and wouldn't take his calls. finally, one night, i did. he said he wanted me to come with him to chicago (where is dad lived). I said no. I wasn't going to just leave, without him having a job, place to live, nothing.. he couldn't take care of me. he said fine, he'd join the Marines. (we lived in Beaufort, SC, which is the town connect to Paris Island, the Marines boot camp facility). I told hin that was fine, go ahead, we'd talk again when he graduated and got settled somewhere.

he wrote me from bootcamp. tried to call. i refused his calls. i got a letter telling me he'd graduated, but couldn't finish reading it cause my parents were in the kitchen with me, watching me read it. they HATED him. which, now that i'm a parent, i can understand why. but then i didn't. anyway, i got halfway through the letter, with him asking me to come to graduation, and threw it away before i'd finished it. i didn't hear from him until a couple of weeks later, maybe a month, on my birthday. i got a call from his best friend's girlfriend, telling me that Phillip had killed himself. He had gotten stationed in San Diego, and hung himself in his barracks room. i went to his funeral. i saw his body. i sat with his mother, and finally met his father. his grandparents were there, and i kissed and hugged them too. then i broke down when his father finally pulled me aside and said that i was all phillip would talk about. anyway.. that was a tangent. i'm getting misty in my old age.

anyway.. so yeah, my dreams are getting weird.

so..my theory on suicide. i know a lot of people go by the bible, which if you're a christian, you're supposed to take as literal. which i do. but then there have to be exceptions. God loves us. he's our Father. He wants to protect us, and make sure we're happy. so if you think your life just sucks so bad, that you can't see any good whatsoever in it, it's just this black, crappy hole that stinks so bad that you hurt just waking up in the morning, that God forgives you for taking your life. being that all powerful being that He is, i'm sure even He can understand when we just can't go on anymore, and will take us into his arms to ease the pain. i fully believe that my God, who is loving, and just, would not condemn someone in that much pain, to eternity in pain. After Andy's suicide i had to believe that to cope with having found his body. and the more i think on it, the more i believe it.

so.. sigh. life sucks. i want to go home. i talked to my mom yesterday. it's funny. i keep thinking i sound like "i want my mommy!". I don't even know why i want to go home! what's there that's not here? my car? my stuff? sigh. i think it's the three kids that's killing me. i was thinking last night that i'll get a job, and then what? what am i supposed to do with brandon when school's out? or if he's sick. and it's just going to be the same crappy stuff like at CWF. if i could get the money together for school, i'd be ok, but i can't get the money for that this semester, so I have to wait for the semester after. sigh. which means i have to get about three hundred together for the semester. and then books. and then i don't even get paid until the month after, and they're going to take most of that back since i got paid when they shouldn't have paid me, and.. sigh.. i keep trying to go over it in my mind. this month is going to really suck. i have brandon's birthday party, which i have to buy a coupe of decorations, and i'm going to make the cake, but i still don't know what to get him. sigh... it's too much! lol

anyway, guess i'll head off to bed now. sigh. i feel so drained...



Tuesday, May 04, 2004



Sigh. I want to go home. I had so much trouble falling asleep last night, because I was thinking of everything.

Mike was complaining to tara that we don't do enough structured things with that kids and that they play games and watch tv too much. WHAT?!? This from the guy that comes to our house and sleeps on the couch until the kids go to bed and then he leaves. Yeah, whatever. he's really such a great parent. but like i told tara, it's easy to parent from the outside. just like all the single childless people who try to tell you how to raise your kids. i'm so done with him. but then again he might have just been trying to lash out at tara for telling him that it makes us uncomfortable when he just sleeps when he comes here instead of visiting with the kids like he's supposed to be. whatever.

haven't talked to Adrian in a couple of weeks. I miss him. I'm sure it's just something like no ISP or computer problems, but still. I feel abandoned. : / it sucks!

oh well. i have to go do something with Danielle before her nap. tara and i bought all kinds of supplies so I can do stuff with her now. she doesn't like to do work though, so that's a bummer. lol. oh well. i'll just keep trying stuff.


Wednesday, April 14, 2004



You know. I've never had to cook for picky people before. it's kind of frustrating.

see, my job here at the house, is the cooking and cleaning and child caregiving. as tara put it last night, in a joking way, i'm her wife. which kind of irked me, until i really took a look at what i do around the house. lol. it doesn't bother me. i love to have a spotless kitchen, and cook, and the kid taking-care-of part is basically easy.

but things like this aggravate me. i probably shouldn't be upset with taylor. his father is a picky eater and doesn't eat all that much variety, but when i cook, i expect people to eat it. i mean, in my house, either you eat it, or you get something yourself. and brandon knows better than tell me he's not eating something and making a face. poor kid almost pukes when i make him eat thinga he doesn't like, but at least he tries them without all the faces, and whining, and crying about it.

so last night i made steaks with black beans and rice. the black beans and rice was actually very tasty. cumin, garlic, salt, pepper, onion, and chicken stock to cook the rice, and then add in black beans and corn once it's done. yummy. so i put it on the table and the first thing i hear is "what's that!?!" along with his annoying wrinkled up nose and tongue sticking out. so exasperatedly, i say "taylor? have you ever *had* black beans before? No? then how do you know you don't like them?" he just shrugged his shoulders with a look that said, it doesn't matter, even if you make me try it, i'll say i hate it, and my parents won't make me eat it. btw, mikes been over for dinner every night, and he's coming again tonight. which isn't a big deal. i made him take me grocery shopping at the commisary last night, and he bought all the groceries.

so he tried it, stuck his tongue out, and whined to his parents. everyone else loved the rice and beans, but not him. i am bound and determined to get him to try everything and find something he likes. lol.

tara is giving soraya her two weeks notcie. soraya is danielle's daycare provider. i told tara that since soraya doesn't teach dani anyway (soraya watched mostly babies, so dani's just playing all day), that she could leave her here with me until she could get her into the hale keiki preschool. i bought some preschool books and some papers and stuff to teach her during the day, and tara's going to pay me $100/week for that. which is only $20 less than what she was paying soraya. so yay! i don't have to do the online thing. that makes me happy. :)

i actually enjoy walking taylor, and hopefully next week brandon, to school. everyone here seems so nice. we pass tons of people on the way there and back, and everyone smiles, says goodmorning... it's just so pleasant. taylor's teacher is very nice too. i only hope that brandon's teacher is just as nice. i called his old school yesterday to see why they hadn't faxed over brandon's records, and ms. stolte said that everytime she tried, she would get the first page to go through, but then it would stop. so she shoved them into an envelope and sent them in the mail. Carolyn at PHKai said that kindergarten wasn't mandatory (huh? it's not?) so it didn't matter how long brandon was out. they'd look at his report card when it got here, and see if he could continue since they are at the end of their school year too. school ends in june, then starts again in july. which is nice. lol.

so, things are much happier here now. not much to complain about. just normal everyday stuff.

tara's supposed to be taking me to a luau on sunday for my birthday. she goes out to sea on monday, and doesn't come back until friday night, so i have the kids all week by myself. well, at least mike will be over all the time. shouldn't be so bad.

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